I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Randomize
