Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Randomize
