He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
