Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
where am i from again
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
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