dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
