No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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