Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Boobs speak an international language.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Randomize
