My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
