She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
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