eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
