Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
She said her name was "party"
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
