omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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