A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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