I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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