I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
