She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
