We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Randomize
