Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
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