Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
