Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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