i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
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