I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Randomize
