Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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