My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
