my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Randomize
