you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
