If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
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