I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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