dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
