hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
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