Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I need water and some morals
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
