i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
