i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
