Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
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