I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
