I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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