Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Randomize
