Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Randomize
