I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize