Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize