watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize