I got chris browned last night
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
