pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
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