Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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