Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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