Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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