You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
