i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Randomize
