Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Randomize
