If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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