So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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