i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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