Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
