By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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