There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
