So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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