I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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