Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize