And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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