I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Randomize
