Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Randomize
