Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
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