This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Randomize
