If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
